Pillow Talk – Do it like a Neek

I find awkward situations oddly funny. I hate being in them, don’t get me wrong but usually use humor to clear the air if I can and will always crack up when I recall them. Awkward sexual situations though – comedy gold!!

How do you find the boundaries with sexual partners? Not in terms of the act but more the bedroom etiquette, foreplay and, what I’d rather call ‘pillow talk’ than ‘dirty talk’ but I mean the same thing. Do people have pre-fornication agreements or do we all just do what I’d do which is react to the other person’s ‘freak’ level?

Its interesting to me that some things that would be completely unacceptable outside the bedroom, might be commonplace in the heat of the moment. You know what I mean: the biting, the physical domination, THE INSULTS!? – intimacy / agression that we would rightly be ashamed to show in public (well, most of us!) But are used to hearing or making in private.

What about the language? “Filthy” “dirty” “nasty” – have had some brilliant moments with these especially. They just seem to roll off the tongue when the heat is on. How quickly does the air turn cold when we mis-judge how they will be received though? Quality.

Awkward Sex: Behind the Awesome!

Take me back to my youthful days! There was a time I was so shy I would never have said anything at all during sex. When I would say “you like that?” And it wasn’t rhetorical. Then confidence became arrogance and I didn’t know that not all women had the same reaction to “that’s it, you eager slut”- that getting called a slut of any kind at any time is a bit of a mood killer for some ladies..

The awkward silences as ‘BITCHHHH’ rang out, echoed and cut through the passion like an over-powering smell. Indeed, the furrowing of the nose and brow combined with the passionate look – of disgust were also reminiscent of farts gone by..

You have to sit back and admire the level of co-ordination involved in getting dressed while simultaneously giving out a dressing-down. To go from yelling a name in passion to screaming it in rage – You live and you learn..

Has this never happened to anyone else? – one time me and whoever are doing whatever when suddenly there’s a crazy ‘fart’ noise. Now, I knew not to suddenly stop and laugh about it but at 1st I really thought she’d passed wind.

After an awkward few milliseconds we carried on and, just as I’ve returned to optimum stroke – another queef!! Now 1 I could ignore but the 2nd one cracked me up – proper childish giggling.

I mean – some people might have stopped or been disgusted, others may not have thought anything of it but the embarrassed look on the poor girl’s face just made me laugh harder. “Awkward” was my ice-breaker but I didn’t give a shit really, I was er, strongly motivated to finish the task.

Another time – I foolishly ( I mean that) got carried away in the moment and suggested moving things to somewhere more public You might as well have heard a record scratch, so sudden was the change of mood in the room..

” No, no I know you would never really..”.

“Of course I’ve never done that with anyone else..”.

“Why are you bringing that up?..”

My all-time favorite (re-occurring?) awkward moment though – when I struggle to get the bra off first time!! Oh Jesus, what a blow to the ego! Haha “pimpin’ aint easy” never rings so true as when you try some slick shit in the bedroom and fail.

I wouldn’t mind but I CAN actually do it 1st time with the ‘finger-click’ manoeuvre but when it goes wrong it turns into abject humiliation.

My mind always splits between running and hiding from the shame and laughing my way through – so I tend to just chuckle some feeble excuse and use both hands like a virgin. Shameful..

Funny though..

Is it just me? Everyone else on a Don Juan flex? Or what?


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